Filed under: AvB MultiMedia Expose, Don't Drop The Soap, Drive-By Activism, Go Sit Down, Keep It In Your Pants, Knee-Grow Please, MLK is Crying Inside, Nigga Nonsense, What A DoucheBag
Well, it’s finally happened. Kwame Kilpatrick’s nine lives have expired.
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who will lose his job because he lied while under oath at a police whistle-blower trial, has just pledged to tell the truth as he prepares to admit his guilt as part of a plea deal he just struck with the Wayne County Prosecutor.The deal calls for Kilpatrick to plead guilty to two felony counts of obstruction of justice by committing perjury, agreeing to serve four months in jail, pay up to $1 million in restitution, and serve five years’ probation. He also agreed not to run for office during that five-year span.
The mayor will turn over his state pension to the City of Detroit, which paid $8.4 million to settle two whistle-blower lawsuits three former cops filed against the city. The mayor was charged with eight felony counts ranging from conspiracy to perjury to misconduct in office to obstruction of justice after the Free Press revealed that the mayor lied on the witness stand during a police whistle-blower trial and gave misleading testimony about whether he intended to fire a deputy police chief investigating allegations of wrongdoing by members of his inner circle.
I don’t really have much to add to this. Looking at the photos of a forlorn Kwame sitting in the courtroom made me momentarily sad for the guy.
Momentarily.
Here’s a collection of Kwame’s Greatest Hits.
Kwame Pulls a Clay Davis.
This should serve as a case study for anyone who starts out with great ambition and the intention to serve others. Don’t let to go to your head. The big head or that other one.
Keep your head (and pants) up, Kwame. Do your time, don’t let your time do you.
Question: Do you feel sorry for Kwame? Will “Yaw’s Boy” have a political career once his 5 years are up? Who plays Kwame in the upcoming BET Blackbuster Movie? I say Cedric The Entertainer could pull it off.
Mayor Kilpatrick: ‘I lied under oath’ [Detroit Free Press]
Filed under: AvB MultiMedia Expose, Don't Drop The Soap, Drive-By Activism, Go Sit Down, Keep It In Your Pants, Knee-Grow Please, MLK is Crying Inside, Nigga Nonsense, What A DoucheBag
Well, it’s finally happened. Kwame Kilpatrick’s nine lives have expired.
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who will lose his job because he lied while under oath at a police whistle-blower trial, has just pledged to tell the truth as he prepares to admit his guilt as part of a plea deal he just struck with the Wayne County Prosecutor.The deal calls for Kilpatrick to plead guilty to two felony counts of obstruction of justice by committing perjury, agreeing to serve four months in jail, pay up to $1 million in restitution, and serve five years’ probation. He also agreed not to run for office during that five-year span.
The mayor will turn over his state pension to the City of Detroit, which paid $8.4 million to settle two whistle-blower lawsuits three former cops filed against the city. The mayor was charged with eight felony counts ranging from conspiracy to perjury to misconduct in office to obstruction of justice after the Free Press revealed that the mayor lied on the witness stand during a police whistle-blower trial and gave misleading testimony about whether he intended to fire a deputy police chief investigating allegations of wrongdoing by members of his inner circle.
I don’t really have much to add to this. Looking at the photos of a forlorn Kwame sitting in the courtroom made me momentarily sad for the guy.
Momentarily.
Here’s a collection of Kwame’s Greatest Hits.
Kwame Pulls a Clay Davis.
This should serve as a case study for anyone who starts out with great ambition and the intention to serve others. Don’t let to go to your head. The big head or that other one.
Keep your head (and pants) up, Kwame. Do your time, don’t let your time do you.
Question: Do you feel sorry for Kwame? Will “Yaw’s Boy” have a political career once his 5 years are up? Who plays Kwame in the upcoming BET Blackbuster Movie? I say Cedric The Entertainer could pull it off.
Mayor Kilpatrick: ‘I lied under oath’ [Detroit Free Press]
Filed under: AvB MultiMedia Expose, Drive-By Activism, PoliTricks as Usual, The Evil That Men Do, What A DoucheBag, White Men Gone Wild
A few weeks ago, I bought you the sad tale of Stuart Shepard, a representative of Convervative group Focus On The Family, who was praying for the wrath of God to intercede and rain out Barry’s big outdoor speech in Denver.
Just in case you missed it, here’s the video in question.
Needless to say, I think we all remember how this turned out.
The weather in Denver was spotless all week, so I guess we can say Shepard’s D-Bag Status has been certified, if nothing else. Oddly enough, there was indeed lots of rain that seems to be ruining a Convention, it just doesn’t happen to be the one Focus On The Family was praying for.
Not to be outdone, the DNC couldn’t wait to announce God’s endorsement of their candidate.
A former Democratic National Committee chairman has apologized for suggesting that Hurricane Gustav’s expected arrival as Republicans prepare to open their national convention is a sign that God favours Democrats.During a flight from Denver to South Carolina last Friday, Don Fowler – who was DNC chair in 1995 and 1996 – was recorded telling a fellow passenger that it appears Gustav will make landfall on Monday. He said that just demonstrates that God is on the side of Democrats.
The person whom Fowler was talking to is not visible in the video, but was identified on the conservative Web site www.redstate.com as Representative John Spratt, a South Carolina Democrat.
Fowler told The Associated Press that he was making fun of comments made by the Rev. Jerry Falwell.
And here’s the video in question. Never mind the fact that it’s hella creepy that someone would be recording a private conversation on an airplane. Fowler is just as much of a dumbass as Shepard for somehow opining that God is on the side of The Chosen One (the GOP’s words, not mine).
Of course, the GOP is calling for Obama to do his weekly bus toss on Fowler. Never mind the fact that they crossed the whole God/Obama line themselves a few weeks back.
This whole thing makes me wonder exactly why people think God gives a crap one way or another which guy wins the election. Clearly, he doesn’t. If God cared enough about who the President is, wouldn’t he give us somebody, I dunno, perfect?
Clearly, McCain and Obama are quite a few steps for sainthood. I wish the idiots praying for them would admit as much and keep God’s name out they mouth.
Question: Does the GOP look like a bunch of fatlipped morons for asking Obama to denounce Fowler when they more or less have overstepped the God/Politricks line themselves? What (if anything) should be done to Fowler? Do you think God cares about who’s running the country?
Ex-Dem Chair Apologizes for Hurricane Remark [ABC]
Filed under: AvB MultiMedia Expose, Drive-By Activism, PoliTricks as Usual, The Evil That Men Do, What A DoucheBag, White Men Gone Wild
A few weeks ago, I bought you the sad tale of Stuart Shepard, a representative of Convervative group Focus On The Family, who was praying for the wrath of God to intercede and rain out Barry’s big outdoor speech in Denver.
Just in case you missed it, here’s the video in question.
Needless to say, I think we all remember how this turned out.
The weather in Denver was spotless all week, so I guess we can say Shepard’s D-Bag Status has been certified, if nothing else. Oddly enough, there was indeed lots of rain that seems to be ruining a Convention, it just doesn’t happen to be the one Focus On The Family was praying for.
Not to be outdone, the DNC couldn’t wait to announce God’s endorsement of their candidate.
A former Democratic National Committee chairman has apologized for suggesting that Hurricane Gustav’s expected arrival as Republicans prepare to open their national convention is a sign that God favours Democrats.During a flight from Denver to South Carolina last Friday, Don Fowler – who was DNC chair in 1995 and 1996 – was recorded telling a fellow passenger that it appears Gustav will make landfall on Monday. He said that just demonstrates that God is on the side of Democrats.
The person whom Fowler was talking to is not visible in the video, but was identified on the conservative Web site www.redstate.com as Representative John Spratt, a South Carolina Democrat.
Fowler told The Associated Press that he was making fun of comments made by the Rev. Jerry Falwell.
And here’s the video in question. Never mind the fact that it’s hella creepy that someone would be recording a private conversation on an airplane. Fowler is just as much of a dumbass as Shepard for somehow opining that God is on the side of The Chosen One (the GOP’s words, not mine).
Of course, the GOP is calling for Obama to do his weekly bus toss on Fowler. Never mind the fact that they crossed the whole God/Obama line themselves a few weeks back.
This whole thing makes me wonder exactly why people think God gives a crap one way or another which guy wins the election. Clearly, he doesn’t. If God cared enough about who the President is, wouldn’t he give us somebody, I dunno, perfect?
Clearly, McCain and Obama are quite a few steps for sainthood. I wish the idiots praying for them would admit as much and keep God’s name out they mouth.
Question: Does the GOP look like a bunch of fatlipped morons for asking Obama to denounce Fowler when they more or less have overstepped the God/Politricks line themselves? What (if anything) should be done to Fowler? Do you think God cares about who’s running the country?
Ex-Dem Chair Apologizes for Hurricane Remark [ABC]
Filed under: AvB MultiMedia Expose, Crap Music, Nigga Nonsense, Raise Your Own Damn Kids, TeeVee Sux
So, I’m flipping through the channels the other day, and I notice a gap-toothed blast from the past on VH1.
That’s right, Uncle Luke, aka: Luke Skywalker, pka: Captain D*ck, gov’t name Luther Campbell has a new reality show, Luke’s Parental Advisory. That in and of itself isn’t really news. What is news, is that his show is just the latest in a line of like-minded fish-out-of-water “unscripted sitcoms” about Black dads.
First there was A&E’s foray into Negro Nonsense, the shortlived trainwreck, Being Bobby Brown.
Then there was Run’s House, which is wildly popular for reasons far beyond my comprehension.
Then there was the decidedly low brow Snoop Dogg’s Fatherhood.
And then Irv Gotti, who isn’t even really all that popular, somehow got a show as well. Unlike the others, Gotti’s Way seemed to actually be transparent. It dealt not with some fantasy vision of Pampers and Air Jordans fatherhood, but rather the reality of bad decisions (in this case, adultery) and how they effect one’s spouse and kids.
I peeped an episode of this while in the gym (the trainer elliptical TV only has 8 stations, I didn’t have much choice). The first episode I saw was kinda interesting, but it got boring pretty quickly.
And then there’s the always obnoxious Neon Deion Sanders and his wife’s show, Deion & Pilar: PrimeTime Love. Wake me when it’s over.
I guess the culumative effect of all these shows in a mixed bag. While it’s good to see Black men taking care of their kids and in most cases married, the ancillary plots of sex, misogny, and extramartial affairs that lurk behind the scenes in each show (with the exception of Run’s House, to my best knowledge) somewhat ruin the vibe. Yeah, I know that sorta stuff does also occur in real-life, unscripted reality, but does it really need to be broadcast?
Everday life for most Black Husbands and Dads I know is hardly exciting. It’s a nonstop cavalcade of packing lunches, reading stories, bathtime, teachable moments, gray hairs, chauffering to activities, and oh yeah, managing to slip in some one-on-one time with the wife as well.
Simply put, being a reasonably good husband and reasonably responsible Dad looks pretty darned square in real-life, unscripted reality. So it’s no surprise that these shows choose the most far-out there, screwed up individuals to give shows to. This is all about ratings after all, but at what expense?
Part of me wants badly to like these shows, if for no better reason than the fact that they show that some Black men actually do get married to the women they impregnate. I mean, there has to be something good about that, right? And with the decline of the Black Sitcom, these seem to be about the only images of Black men as hubands and Dads on TV. Seriously, besides the brilliant Everybody Hates Chris, is there a Black Dad anywhere on non-reality TV nowadays?
But by simply repackaging old-school stereotypes and Negro dysfunction as new-school versions of Leave It To Beaver, this latest series of reality shows has me wistful for Cliff Huxtable. Say what you want about shows like The Cosby Show, Family Matters, and Good Times, but at least I didn’t cringe when I peeped them. Cliff Huxtable never had to explain to his kids why there was a stripper pole in the basement. James Evans couldn’t always pay the rent on time, but you’d never see him wiping a “doody bubble” out of Florida’s butt on TV. And Carl Winslow may have had this issues, but… well, okay, let’s stop while we’re ahead.
Some may see these shows as progress, but honestly, I’m indifferent. We’ve come a long way since the days of “hurry up and come here, colored man on the TV”. But when I peep the promo for Luke’s Parental Advisory, I’m just reminded of how much further we’ve got left to go.
Question: What do you think of this new fad in Black family reality shows? Do these shows actually improve the image of Black fathers/husbands, worsen the image, or not make a darned bit of difference? Do you watch any of them? Can you believe that the man responsible for “Pop That Coochie” and “Me So Horny” has a show about parenthood?
Filed under: AvB Instant Classics, AvB MultiMedia Expose, Crap Music, Nigga Nonsense, Web Junk
I know ya’ll are probably just as sick of hearing me moan and complain about vocoders as I am of hearing songs that feature them. But just how much do you truly know about the instrument that has singlehandedly ruined black radio and eardrums? Allow me to enlighten you.[1]
From the wiki entry.
A vocoder (a portmanteau of vox/voc (voice) and encoder) is a speech analyzer and synthesizer. It was originally developed as a speech coder for telecommunications applications in the 1930s, the idea being to code speech for transmission. Its primary use in this fashion is for secure radio communication, where voice has to be digitized, encrypted and then transmitted on a narrow, voice-bandwidth channel. The vocoder has also been used extensively as an electronic musical instrument.
For musical applications, a source of musical sounds is used as the carrier, instead of extracting the fundamental frequency. For instance, one could use the sound of a synthesizer as the input to the filter bank, a technique that became popular in the 1970s.
Okay, now that we’ve got the technical jibber jabber outta the way, let’s talk music, decade by decade.
1970′s
History says The Alan Parsons Project, Giorgia Moroder, and Pink Floyd were the first cats to really mess with the vocoder. I don’t really know any of these folks, but I guess I have to provide token representation, so here’s “Mr. Roboto” by Styx.
No, I still have no friggin’ idea what this song is about. So let’s fast forward to the familiar stuff.
1980′s
Herbie Hancock probably had the first breakout ‘urban’ hit of this genre with his Grammy-winning single “Rockit”.
It’s a real shame that most people still associate Hancock with this single song, when his career as a jazz artist is far more accomplished than one hit. And speaking of one hits, how could we forget Rockwell’s creepy “Somebody’s Watchin’ Me, featuring a still-black Michael Jackson on the hook?[2]
While other bands like Dazz, Guy, and the Gap Band successfully used the machine to crank out 80′s hits, perhaps no single artist exemplified vocoder fever more than Roger Troutman. With a plethora of hits like “Computer Love”, “Slow And Easy”, and “More Bounce To The Ounce”, the frontman for Zapp elevated the artform to all new levels.
1990′s
With the exploding commercial popularity of hip hop music, interest in pure R&B began to wane during the 90′s, and the vocoder appeared to be on it’s last legs. With the exception of a few notable guest appearances by Troutman on West Coast gangsta rap songs, the 90′s weren’t too kind to the ole’ voicebox.
The seminal mid-90′s hit “California Love” featured Troutman gettin’ down with Dr. Dre and Tupac.[3]
While this version of the song gave 80′s babies a nice feel for vocoder magic, the slept-on “California Love: Part II” where Troutman really gets off is a far better representative example.
Troutman enjoyed a brief career renaissance after the exposure, but sadly was violently gunned down in his hometown of Dayton, Ohio. So overlooked are his contributions to the history of the talkbox that the wiki entry doesn’t even mention his name. This must change.[4]
2000′s
With a second George Bush in office, and black music reaching creative all-time lows at the advent of the century, there was little to sing about. But a few years ago, a Senegalese ex-car thief named Akon dusted off the ole’ voice box and quietly started pumping out hits like “Locked Up”, “Belly Dancer”, and “Lonely”. While this young[5] man swore up and down he was singing in his own unaltered voice, anyone born before 1980 knew full and damn well he was stealing Troutman’s old tricks.
Sadly, while Troutman’s voicebox was studly and masculine, Akon’s came off as chipmunkish and comical. But this being America circa 2003, tweens who don’t know any better thought Akon was cool and unique. Payola was exchanged, and in short time Akon became a chart topping household name. He even had his own Verizon commercial and toured with Gwen Stefani before an odd humping incident with an underaged Carribbean girl became a Youtube sensation.[6] Still, Akon had gained enough juice to unleash his secret moneymaking weapon: a marginally talented ex-rapper turner singer named T-Pain.
The husky Floridian exemplifies the average (and we do mean very very average) guy on the street done good. By unapologetically embracing the voicebox, Teddy Pain has become a commercial success beyond Troutman’s wildest dreams, with such ditties as “I’m Sprung”, “Buy You a Drank”, “Bartender”, and my personal favorite, “I’m In Love With a Stripper”.
Seldom has mediocrity sounded so good.
T-Pain has gone on to become a highly sought after collaborator and general debit credit to his race, essentially driving hook singers like Faith Evans and Nate Dogg into early retirement. And like any other successful Rappa Ternt Sanga, he’s spawned a legion of copycats, including some reasonably talented artists who’ve recently adopted his computerized gimmick to garner airplay. Peep the imitators of this imitator.
Snoop Dogg’s catchy “Sensual Seduction”[7]
Lil’ Wayne’s disgustingly bad “Lollipop”[8]
And oddly enough, Mariah Carey’s new single “Migrate”, which just happens to feature T-Pain.[9]
All of this madness culminates in the sadder-than-sad video below. Buddah take the wheel.[10]
Epilogue: If you managed to make it to this point in the post, I can only conclude one of two things. 1) You are wearing earplugs. 2) You must really love AB.com.
For the foreseeable future, the vocoder will continue to ruin black radio and eardums worldwide. It’s now a fully established, incredibly profitable cultural phenomenon, and there’s no way to put the genie back in the bottle. We might as well embrace it, or at least learn to tolerate it.
Sadly, Roger Troutman never got to enjoy the spoils of his years of hard work, which is a travesty in and of itself. Somewhere in his condo in West Heaven, he probably looks down at these assclowns who are profiting off his pet rock with a mixture of disdain and pride. You know, sorta like the same way I feel for having spent an hour of my life documenting this whole thing.
But let it be known, Roger is the master of the Electro Harmonix “Golden Throat” talkbox and Yamaha DX100 FM synthesizer, regardless of how many iTunes downloads Akon and T-Pain rack up this year.
Respect the Architect.
The Vocoder wiki [wikipedia.org]
The Roger Troutman wiki [wikipedia.org]
[1] Admit it. You thought I was kidding about this post didn’t you?
[2] Wasn’t Rockwell some famous person’s nephew or somethin’?
[3] I still hear this song somewhere or other at least once a week. But for the record, I don’t consider it classic material. Not by a mile.
[4] Anybody know how to update a wiki?
[5] Some people say he’s pulling a Dikembe Mutombo and is nearly 47 years old.
[6] Come on, he HAD to know that girl was 15 at best.
[7] Probably the most original video I’ve seen in ages.
[8] I threw up in my mouth the first time I heard this.
[9] See [8].
[10] Doesn’t this little girl look like Connie from King Of The Hill?
Filed under: AvB Instant Classics, AvB MultiMedia Expose, Judge Joe Brown Says : "DO BETTER.", NBA = Nuthin' But Africans, Nigga Nonsense
[Editor's Note: This is a controversial post, and I can already hear some folks sayin' "why does this site always denigrate black people?" Actually, this site does uplift black folks who are doing good things. This post just ain't about them.]
There’s an old saying that predates me called being “a credit to your race”. I don’t really know where this whole thing originated, and it’s not outwardly used much today now that most white folks strive for political correctness. The gist of it however, is that it’s intended to be a compliment to a person of color who “makes the race look good” by virtue of their character and competence. Of course, this is an underhanded swipe in a way, since it generally implies that the rest of your brood must be completely inept imbeciles by comparison if your singular efforts are enough to improve the overall racial balance sheet. Modern day examples of this idiom would be folks like Tony Dungy, Tavis Smiley, Tiger Woods, Condoleeza Rice, and of course, the favorite Negro du jour, Barack Obama.
This being my blog and all, of course there’s gotta be a logical flipside to this. Some Negroes, just by sheer virtue of their utter and complete stupidity set honest, hardworking tokens like me back every time they open their cottonpickin’ mouths. These are the kinda folks that your Grandma just shakes her head at and leaves the room when she sees them on TV. They aren’t credits. In fact, they are quite the opposite.
These folks are Debits To Their Race™. And yes, that indeed was a trademark (™) symbol you just saw. Because unlike the dozens (okay, there’s prolly only like 4-5 of them) of other slanguistics I originate here at AB.com that get co-opted by other sites (and you know who you are), this one’s mine. You heard it here first. I googled that bad boy, and it barely registered a handful of hits, so I’m claimin’ it.
Anyways, my girl Thembi gave this one a run a week or so ago, but my list is a little different. Still, peep her brilliant The Only Black People I Can’t Stand: Part I post when you get a moment. Props given either way. I present to you this of-so-special baker’s dozen of Negroes we could all do without, in no particular order.
AB.com’s Bottom? Top 13 Debits To The Black Race:
13. Tiffany “New York” Patterson
I guess I could really give this award to any of the fine ladies (Hoopz, Sapphyri, Deelishis) of VH1′s Celebreality coonfest, but I’d be wrong if I didn’t respect the architect of this whole thing. New York took Omarosa’s “bitchy black woman” stereotype to all new levels, and has gotten humped and dumped on TV more times than I can count in the process. I guess I should give her and Flavor Flav debit credit for putting more black folks on TV than any show this side of The Wire. Then again, maybe not.
You mean to tell me Harriett Tubbman died for this sh*t?
12. Robert Sylvester Kelly
In a perfect world, R. Kelly would be in Menard washing some dude named Big Lorenzo’s draws right about now. But since Kells makes a whole lot of people a whole lot of money, he has a Get Out of Jail Free For Perpetuity Card. You and I both know this cat will nevar do a day of time. Evar! And this being America and all, I guess that’s not too surprising. On the other hand, I just wish folks who stop playing Step In The Name Of Love at church picnics. Something about that just seems soooo wrong.
11. Stephanie Tubbs Jones (R.I.P.)
One of the few joys of watching this election cycle play itself out has been the fact that the MSM finally discovered the joyful hot mess that is Ohio Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones. She is just as entertaining as she is irritating. Her blind allegiance to the Clintons, despite what sorta stuff she is having to defend makes me wonder if this woman has a spine under all those unnecessary chuckles. She looks and sounds more like somebody’s beautician than a Congresswoman. What the hell was ya’ll thinkin’, Cleveland?
10. Jason Whitlock
From his unnecessary scouring of Rutgers head coach Vivian Stringer, to his posthumous ethering of Sean Taylor, Whitlock (formerly of ESPN) uses his Fox Sports pulpit to talk cash sh*t about any and every black athlete. He is the sports version of Jesse Lee Peterson, satiating the middle-American ego with a black co-signer who says the stuff they actually wanna say themselves, but can’t for fear of being called racist.
9. Jesse Lee Peterson
Speaking of Peterson, this odd-looking cat keeps popping up on the usual conservative radio and TV shows, usually bashing “black leaders”, and kowtowing to the likes of Sean Hannity. I figured I’d better do some homework, considering how much airtime he’s been getting of late, and I eventually dug up his book Scam: How the Black Leadership Exploits Black America. Thank God for public libraries, cause this woulda been an awful waste of $16.95! It was the most poorly written, poorly substantiated piece of bullcrap I’ve ever wasted precious minutes of my life reading (I only made it through two chapters). Some of you think I have a problem with black conservatives. Considering most of my social views, that would be a mis-read. I don’t dislike black conservatives, I just plain dislike black liars.
Peterson callously rips down folks like Al Sharpton, Louis Farrakhan, Maxine Waters, and even has the nerve to hold an annual “National Day of Repudiation of Jesse Jackson”. I’m obviously not one to defend Jesse and Rebb’n Al, but Negro please. If you can’t come up with a cohesive argument for just why these folks are so bad, yet alone speak a complete sentence without splitting 20 verbs, just shut up and H.S.D. already. Of course, Peterson’s on the payroll of Fox News, so expect to see lots of him should Obama make it to Denver.
8. Reverend Jeremiah Wright [2]
I didn’t have any problem with Wright’s statements, and as I’ve revealed here frequently, I thought they were taken completely out of context and aren’t too far removed from what the typical black preacher would say on any given Sunday. Wright’s track record of service to this country and his community are above reproach. So why, you ask, is Obama’s preacher on this list?
Simply because he could have short circuited this whole dilemma by just coming out a few weeks ago and saying “my comments are my own, not Barack’s”. I’m sure 20/20, 60 Minutes, hell, even Tyra Banks would all jump at the chance to give him an hour to explain his comments in their proper context. But he played the background and let this thing get far bigger than it needed to.
Had he spoken out, rather than taking that 3 week cruise and his subsequent victory lap around Chicago last weekend, we would be talking about Veep choices by now, not whether random white guys in Wilkes-Barre think Obama is a closet racist. Next time, fall on the sword, old man.
7. Pastor David Manning
This Negro is so far out there, I don’t even know where to begin. But considering the fact that he’s an ex-con with a “rap sheet longer than Manute Bol”[1], maybe we should just start ignoring him.
6. Amy Holmes [3]
Sometimes, certain people just don’t “sit right” with you. You can’t quite pinpoint exactly what it is about them, but try as you might, you. just. don’t. like. them. CNN/Fox News contributor Amy Holmes would be such a person. They obviously pit the ultra conservative Holmes versus Obama cheerleaders Roland Martin and Jamal Simmons to provide some sorta racial point/counterpoint. But Holmes seldom if ever steers from the “protect the party” mantra, even when there’s blatantly racist stuff being tossed out there. So, yeah, I guess I have a problem with black conservatives. Shoot me. I’ve also got a problem with her “wannabe hipster black chick crinkly hairdo”. Sorry Amy, it just ain’t workin’ for you homegirl. And you ain’t workin’ for AB.
5. Isaiah Thomas
The NBA has always been an old boys club that rewarded ex-white players with cushy front office gigs to run teams (often into the ground) after their playing days are over. Even marginally talented cats like Rex Chapman, Steve Kerr, Danny Ferry, and John Paxson have been handed the reigns to entire storied franchises, with little to no prior experience. Only recently have black ex-players like Joe Dumars gotten coveted GM titles. And thanks to Isaiah Lord Thomas, and the godawful job he’s done of turning the NY Knicks into the biggest laughingstock in all of pro sports, it will prolly be awhile before another brother gets a shot.
He’s made terrible trades, even worse signings, fired coaches that should have never been hired, clashed openly with his own players, and let’s not forget that little sexual harassment lawsuit. Thankfully he lost one of his jobs already this week, and it’s only a matter of time before he’s completely relieved of this duties. Knicks fans should be so lucky. They have to live with this capped out roster for another 3-4 seasons.
4. Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick
So, what’s the worst of Kwame’s screwups? The cherry red Navigator? The jet skis? Running up a quarter mill of personal expenses on a city issued credit card and getting your mama to bail you out? Hiring your jumpoff as CHIEF OF STAFF? The scrippers in the Mayoral Mansion? The dead scripper named Strawberry? The 14,000 sexy text messages? Lying to cover your affair? Costing the city $9M to cover your affair? Going to church and pulling a Clay Davis to save your job? Man, get this negro outta office already.
3. Karrine Steffans
Thankfully, her last book went triple wood [], so we’re probably going to be spared the indignity of SuperHead: The Motion Picture. Still, by kissing (among other things) and telling all the sordid details of the random rappers, athletes, actors, and Olive Garden busboys you “serviced”, you’re not exactly uplifting the black female image. H.S.D.
2. T-Pain and Akon
Record Industry Hustle 06′: Take a (really) average looking dude with little dignity and even less discernible talent. Give him a vocoder and some catchy tunes (“I’m In Love With A Stripper”, “Locked Up”). Rinse and repeat. Two years later, these no-talent bums have double handedly ruined any semblance of respectable black radio, and now have (somewhat) talented artists like Snoop Dogg and Lil’ Wayne jumping on the Zapp bandwagon. Just say no to vocoders boys and girls. Roger Troutman is crying inside.
1. Adam “Pacman” Jones
Since Mike “Can’t Get Right” Vick is already doing time, and Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson doesn’t have a rap sheet (yet), somebody had to take the fall to fulfill our obligatory black athlete quota. And whom better than Pacman, a man who never met a strip club he couldn’t shut down? This genius once notoriously “made it rain” with over 81,000 $1 bills at a Vegas strip club, then after the dancers refused to return the money (which he claimed was simply for “visual effect”), Jones had a weedcarrier return to the club and open fire, paralyzing a bouncer. He got off with 200 hours of community service.
With more than 10 assorted arrests/run-ins with Johnny Law in just over 2 years, it’s a wonder that any team even wants him, but of course, this being America and all, the Dallas Cowboys are in the process of trading for him as soon as his season-long NFL ban is lifted. What. A. Country.
DisHonorable Mentions:
Byron Allen – See Amy Holmes. I just don’t like this cat. Sorry.
DJ Hughley – Nappy Head Hoes, huh? Nappy head deez “….”!
OJ Simpson – Debit To The Race first ballot Hall of Shamer.
Ward Connerly – Debit To The Race second ballot Hall of Shamer.
Congressman William Jefferson – Just disappear somewhere. Please!
The Jena Six – Stay in school, kids. And by school, I don’t mean detention.
Flavor Flav – Noooo Boyeee!!!
Wayne Brady – See Byron Allen.
Bob Johnson – Debit To The Race third ballot Hall of Shamer.
Tyler Perry – Just missed the list, but one more Madea movie, and it’s on.
Congressman Emmanuel Cleaver – The stereotypical milquetoast Negro.
Question: Got any glaring omissions you wanna add to the list?
The Only Black People I Can’t Stand Part I [What Would Thembi Do?]
[1] Name that tune.
[2] I know some of ya’ll are salty about this one. Sorry.
[3] See [2].
Filed under: AvB MultiMedia Expose
